meus vita est amo moonless nox noctis..

Someone asked me..
tell me one interesting thing about myself..
I thought for a while..
I can't think of anything..
nothing interesting about myself comes to my mind..
pathetic, one might think..
which is true..
however, it does not bother me anymore..

Nothing interesting about myself..
so?
it does not matter anyway..
I am not much of an interesting person to begin with anyway..
I come from dust of this earth..
I return as dust to the earth..
there is nothing I can bring with me to earth..
nothing which I can bring with me in memory..

I have slowly emptied myself of memories..
over the years..
empty as a shell..
nothing which I am worthy of to be in memory to be..
I am nobody's gem anyway..
I am just a nobody..
maybe just an abnormal living being who is just part of this world..
I have never thought my death will be much of a big deal to anybody..
death should be a relief to me..I think..

There is nothing left in this world for me to do anyway..
I am just waiting for my time to come in this world anyway..
living each day as a routine..
maybe letting people around me be happy, by just hanging around..
maybe letting my parents be happy, by just hanging around them..

Pathetic, sad, I am, thinking like this..
guess so..
at least I lived before..
at least I was happy before..
at least I loved before, or I thought so..
so I guess, I should be at least contented with those..
having no meaning left in life to live on for..
maybe I have none to begin with in the first place..
all those I thought I had was just illusions..
nothing is real..

My life is like the black hole..
bleak..
bottomless..
empty..
black..
hollow..
nothing is seemingly possible to fill it at all..

My life is like the moonless night..
very dark..
I am just hiding in one corner..
rocking myself fore and back..
wrapping myself in the black velvet sky..
looking up, seeing nothing..
not even stars..
knowing only the silence of twilight keeping me accompany..
till I become the part of the twilight..
ceasing my existence along with the night..

The greatest fear in life is not death..
it is being not able to fear death..
it is having nothing else to fear for live..
death is easy, it is the meaning of living which is hard..

What is forever when there is nothing to begin with?
What is life when there is nothing to die for?
What is happiness when there is nothing to be sad for anymore?
What is the heart for when there is nothing to be beat for anymore?
What is living for when there is nothing left to fight or die for?

- M.Y. -
18th July 2009