redono? etiam, sic..

Sometimes I just want to give up..
give up everything..
give up my life..
give up all that I have created in life..
all that I established..
all that I have set up in my life..

cos nothing is worth the effort to..
why have done all these in life?
for what?
for who?
for myself?
no..

for nothing..
cos I do not even have the answer for myself..
I cannot even answer to myself..
what's the use of me living in this world?
what's the point of continuing living?

to be a good daughter to parents and grandparents?
to be a role model to my siblings?
to be a perfect human in the society?
no..
why do I care about all these?
when I do not even know for the fact of who I am..
who is the real me?
what is the real person in me?

it is just like the never-ending song..
the never-ending question that goes on and on like this..
it just goes on and on like this..
it is the never-ending song..
la la la la la la la la la..
so at the end, it is just all craps..fucks..shits..
nothing is right, yet can be wrong when everything all so not right..

30th June 2009
- M. Y. -

quis est vita?

Life..
what is it to us?
what is it to me?
do I know what life is?
what is life?

No matter how I think..
which way I try to think..
what method I try to find out..
who ever I ask from..
I don't seem to get an answer..

Maybe it is not the right..
maybe it is not the answer I am looking for..
maybe it is not how I expect it might be..
maybe I am not ready for the answer..

In my mind..
I ask myself..
who am I?
what am I living for?
how can I live my life?

still no answer for me..
I am almost giving up..
maybe not thinking about it, will be good..
maybe the answer will come to me if I don't think too much about it..
just maybe..

Not knowing...
not understanding..

I used to think that I found the person whom I can share my life with..
someone whom I can know and learn about life with..
someone whom I thought I can spend my life..
someone whom is my meaning in life..
but I guess I am wrong..

I am not that fortunate enough..
I should be content with my family and friends around..
though I know I am destined to be by myself..
I should be happy with life..

Living is just a passing phase in life..
life does not end when one dies..
life goes on even if we leave this earth..
life continues even after living..
death is not the ultimatium after all..
death is not the ending..

It is the very essence of our being that lives on..
the soul of us that brings us to places..
our thinkings that let understand more..
our minds that allows us to see more..
our emotions breathing on every feelings we experience..

30th June 2009
- M. Y. -

meus universitas, in meus own..

this is my avenue of writing..
my way of penning my thoughts..feelings..emotions..thinking..
venting of my anger..frustration..
whining on my loneliness..emptiness..
blah blah blah..yadda yadda..
helluva shit..
in short..everything that is going on in my head..my heart..
one bitchy hell goddess from nowhere..

meus vita, meus universitas, in meus own..
nemo alius, tantum myself..

28th June 2009
- M. Y. -

inritus of vita..

Lying in the darkness of my solitude..
looking at the forlorn shadows dancing across the cold wall..
searching deep within me for any signs of emotion..
nothing..

The soul is barren of feelings..
devoid of any stirrings of emotions..
not emptiness..
just void, nihility..

So much for humanity..
thought there is a slightest hint of life in me..
seems like no more..
seems to have all gone..

Desperately searching for some form of identity..
In me, my emotions used to be the only thing I can control..
but now..
it seems like there is no longer anymore left..

27th June 2009
- M. Y. -