Loss..

Mourning for a love loss, lost..
Maybe you do not even feel the same way for me, as I do for you.

~ M.Y. ~
February 6th 2014

Broken soul..broken mind..

Broken wings
Broken will
Broken spirit
Broken soul

Broken determination
Broken passion
Broken mentality
Broken mind

Lost...dispirited...dispassionate...
Blue blue day...
Dark mind..
Nothing seems to go right..
No matter how much music plays in my ears..
However much things flew through my mind..
Things, feelings just go right through as though they are invisible..
I just look right through them..

Nothing seems to surprise me nor gets a genuine reaction out of me..
Wired mind, restless rationale..
Tries to keep myself busy..driving the body tired..to make it sleep and rest for another night's work..

Seems like I have not been on my own for a long time..many weekends..
Where is me? Where am I? Where the hell I am?
Everyday is all about others, all the time..
Frankly, I am tired of human, mankind..
Wish I can just cocoon myself and sleep for eternity..

~ M. Y. ~
September 24th 2013

lost..

kinda lost in the reality world..
kinda lost in the emotional world..
feeling lost about everything..
feeling lost in life itself..

lost my only companion, BooBuu the monkey..
lost myself to emotions..
lost to the real world..
lost to everything in life..

everything seems mundane..
everyday seems monotonous..
everything seems boring..
life seems boring..

cant be bothered about rudeness..
cant be bothered about shyness..
cant be bothered about anything..
cant be bothered about everything anymore..

bored about life itself..
bored about everything in life..
lost, bored, disheartening and sad about life itself..
sighs..

- M.Y. -
27th December 2008$

fucking lost..

I have many thoughts in my mind at this point in time..
trying to gather and organize them from A to Z, 1 to 10..
not sure where to start from..
cos I can't see the links for them..
connecting them from one to other..

frustration seeps into the brain..
slowly despair appears at the doorstep knocking on my door of thoughts..
hope doesn't seem to find a path around it..
I am trying to find a way through the whole thing..

Should I just leave things to fate?
should I fight for how the things should go?
should I just let things move by itself?
should I just ignore everything?

Who am I?
What am I?
What are my beliefs?
Why am I shaken?
Why am I so conflicted and confused?
How did me happened?

Ahhhhhh.....
seriously, I am doubting myself..
seems like a drill going through my brain..
draining everything I have and I am, I used to be..
I need a direction..
I need a fucking guide..
I need an aim..
I need a meaning..
I need a life..
I need my life..my meaning..
I need my passion back..
I need my sanity..
I need my fucking crazy thoughts and ways back..
I need myself back..
I need me back..
Where is me?

Damn damn damn..

quidam lost, serio

Lying on my bed, trying to will myself to sleep at 6am after my night shift..
finding myself unable to fall asleep..
wired in the brain, can't seem to sleep..
suddenly, a flash of memory came back to me..
as the pain cuts through my heart and mind..

The night when I broke up with my ex-partner..
the dramatic scene keeps playing in my mind..
the tears that kept flooding the cheeks..
the pain which kept cutting through the heart..
the fear of loss thundering in my brain..
the loss of the true love which I thought I had..
the cuts bore on my skin inflicted in the moments of numbness..
all the worst thoughts and fears came crashing in my mind..
while I was faraway in the foreign land of Hong Kong, after spending 4 hours' of flight..
in the familiar surroundings of our home, which I had spent my 2 years' youth in..
the memories on each surface of the home which we have created..
with all the momentos that we had given each other..
all the sweet plushy kids which we had given each other over the period..
seriously, not even in the homeland of Singapore..
most of all, the fear of losing the one whom I thought I truly loved and loved by..

I guess, I was wrong after all..
The betrayal..
The abandonment..
The loss..
everything happened overnight..
and the death of my grandmother followed straight after..
The pain was too much to cope with..
my brain and heart shut down..
created a wall of barrier around me..
the door closed and locked up, the key was thrown far into the depths of the abyss..

I lived through the days without any hopes or goals..
living the life of a vampire..
zombie..

seriously be damned..
kind of lost, seriously..