quidam lost, serio

Lying on my bed, trying to will myself to sleep at 6am after my night shift..
finding myself unable to fall asleep..
wired in the brain, can't seem to sleep..
suddenly, a flash of memory came back to me..
as the pain cuts through my heart and mind..

The night when I broke up with my ex-partner..
the dramatic scene keeps playing in my mind..
the tears that kept flooding the cheeks..
the pain which kept cutting through the heart..
the fear of loss thundering in my brain..
the loss of the true love which I thought I had..
the cuts bore on my skin inflicted in the moments of numbness..
all the worst thoughts and fears came crashing in my mind..
while I was faraway in the foreign land of Hong Kong, after spending 4 hours' of flight..
in the familiar surroundings of our home, which I had spent my 2 years' youth in..
the memories on each surface of the home which we have created..
with all the momentos that we had given each other..
all the sweet plushy kids which we had given each other over the period..
seriously, not even in the homeland of Singapore..
most of all, the fear of losing the one whom I thought I truly loved and loved by..

I guess, I was wrong after all..
The betrayal..
The abandonment..
The loss..
everything happened overnight..
and the death of my grandmother followed straight after..
The pain was too much to cope with..
my brain and heart shut down..
created a wall of barrier around me..
the door closed and locked up, the key was thrown far into the depths of the abyss..

I lived through the days without any hopes or goals..
living the life of a vampire..
zombie..

seriously be damned..
kind of lost, seriously..