Withdrawing my emotions..

Human is quite a complex thing.
Ever changing species by nature.
One can be feeling, doing thoughts along one trail of ideas at this moment.
And move towards a total switch to another, in a short time span of change.

Logically speaking, in my brain, with rational.
Sometimes, I know that I should not and cannot do or feel in this aspect of things.
But the heart pulsating blood in my body, runs over my logic mind.
I just did the opposite of logic.
or rather it happened, secretly, ethereally encompassed me entirely, like a silent assassin.

When I realized it, it has already latched itself and entwined onto me.
Too late for detaching? To me, it is not the matter of time for too late.
It is more, about the right frequency connection, chemistry of feeling.
What I am. What you are. What I feel. What I see. What we are. What we see. What we feel. What we can become. What we could be. What we would be as one.
However, one cannot be wise and in love at the same time.
Either foolishly in love or lonely in wisdom.

Human touch is a scary feeling..
It eludes me..
I never knew what a human touch could do to me, make me feel, till back then..
It is like, I get the warm temperature that envelops me when I hold out my hand, there..
Just like kissing another..
One cannot feel the same while kissing oneself on the mirror.

I get too used to another warmth besides me..
Ex used to warm my cold and lonely body..
It comforted me, it felt that someone will always there for me..
When it was taken away from me, it suddenly turned sub-zero..
Created a ice wall, trapping my already cold self in frozen state..

I get too comfortable with your presence in my life..
What if I lose myself in it now and lose myself again when it gets taken away, if I get too used to this luxury..
Makes me doubt human entirely..
Withers back into my dark cell..

Your existence invades a huge part of my thoughts and me..
From good morning till twilight, into the late nights..
I see you more than regular friends, even more than the combined time I spent with my family..
It becomes too familiar and comfortable having you around me..

It scares me and lures me, at the same time..
Knowing and aware that I should not enter into that ream..
Both of us cannot promise anything..
Still it entices my soul into the seducement..

Disengaging from the entirety of you.
Revisiting what we have spoken, chatted and the late nights' together so far.
Slowly digesting, digressing and emptying into the black hole.
Pulling myself away, withdrawing from you.
Instead of inflicting pain on myself and destroying this friendship of ours.

Detaching my emotions that were latched onto the flower bud of growth.
Abstain the development of something which I have no control over, desperately.
Cutting loose, no...hacking away the red vines of temptation before it tightens the hold over me.
No, it is not pms that causes this detachment.
It is me, more than anything else.
I can only answer for my reasons, not yours.

Withdrawing my feelings back into myself.
I think maybe, it is good timing that you have gone away for the weekend.
Allowing me to pull back, take back, stow away my emotions.
Disassociating myself from any elements of you..
Locking myself back into the lone ranger state. Orientating back.
Slipping myself away bit by bit, from you.

Self-containing all feelings and awareness, in me.
I will miss you and what we did or shared together, even though you said not to.
When I detach, I let go, give up, cease our special connection.
The end. Finem.

~ M.Y. ~
November 2nd 2013

Stuck..in limbo..oblivion

It feels like I'm stuck..impassable..in limbo..

The feeling of half there...half not there..another here..the other diminishing..

It is never a good feeling to be hanging stranded there..

unable to go over the threshold..

You feel like you are almost there,

moving along life as it goes,

going along with the flow,

fills from low to the highest pinnacle,

goes from zero to almost edge's brim.

You know you are not supposed to cross that line,

so you pull yourself back,

restraining the overflow,

holding back the spillover to the next door.

Feels like sitting on the edge of the fence,

without a sense of balance to hold onto you,

you could plunge either way..into abyssal of despondence, or paradise of bliss.

it is that thin red line of logical and emotional that ties to you.

you never know what will bring you over the verge.

As you begin to ponder going through life as it is,

should you make a choice and run for the hills for it,
or just slip back into the dark quiet corner of the room and observe melancholy,
what is the worst mistake or best miracle could happen from that?

Some goes through the ups and downs daily,
others feels the lows and highs over a period,
some feels horrible, other feels mundane not wanting to bother about it.
What about those in-betweens?

I am standing here, this close to plunging either way.
I could be making the same mistake as before, or this could be it.
Mistake does not mean I regretted whatever I have decided previously.
It just did not follow through life as I wish it could have.
But I do not blame.

I made a decision 6 years ago and stood by it, without any regrets.
Thou went back on your promise,
I was saddened with disappointment, betrayal and broken from faith.
Life became different, and I can no longer go back to the same.

6 years later, I believe I would still make the same decision, now.
Cause I am still who I am, it is thou that had changed.
I am left with no feelings for thou, hate has gone, unspoken forgiveness and faded memories.
Life changes and move on.
I am still the same and yet different in many ways, thinking and perspectives.

No longer in the past...pointless..
I have let go.

Emotions build who I am.
Feelings create my line.
What had broke my passion, I am slowly picking and mending the jigsaw pieces back.
Yes, I am alone.
Not many will tread my line of less traveled path.
But this is me.

I feel, thee do not or may not feel.
I have always said, like does not have or need a reason.
One does not love with a reason or purpose.
Love becomes a meaning, creates life journey together.

Age makes me ponder, wisdom holds me back.
So, I am stuck in limbo, impassable here.
Sometimes, I feel I am sick of this impassiveness.
Anothers, I feel nothing.
Others, I just want to shut down and give up.
Now, I am slowly shutting down, moving from hope to disappoint to emptiness, letting thee go and giving up any thoughts.

Over the past time,
I have gone from zero to curiosity, hope, comes twinge, baffle, to mundane, melancholy in transition to oblivion and emptiness.
When I am there,
either one can go through the same cycle again,
or I can just goes zilch, end of line.

~ M.Y. ~
October 26th 2013