Stuck..in limbo..oblivion

It feels like I'm stuck..impassable..in limbo..

The feeling of half there...half not there..another here..the other diminishing..

It is never a good feeling to be hanging stranded there..

unable to go over the threshold..

You feel like you are almost there,

moving along life as it goes,

going along with the flow,

fills from low to the highest pinnacle,

goes from zero to almost edge's brim.

You know you are not supposed to cross that line,

so you pull yourself back,

restraining the overflow,

holding back the spillover to the next door.

Feels like sitting on the edge of the fence,

without a sense of balance to hold onto you,

you could plunge either way..into abyssal of despondence, or paradise of bliss.

it is that thin red line of logical and emotional that ties to you.

you never know what will bring you over the verge.

As you begin to ponder going through life as it is,

should you make a choice and run for the hills for it,
or just slip back into the dark quiet corner of the room and observe melancholy,
what is the worst mistake or best miracle could happen from that?

Some goes through the ups and downs daily,
others feels the lows and highs over a period,
some feels horrible, other feels mundane not wanting to bother about it.
What about those in-betweens?

I am standing here, this close to plunging either way.
I could be making the same mistake as before, or this could be it.
Mistake does not mean I regretted whatever I have decided previously.
It just did not follow through life as I wish it could have.
But I do not blame.

I made a decision 6 years ago and stood by it, without any regrets.
Thou went back on your promise,
I was saddened with disappointment, betrayal and broken from faith.
Life became different, and I can no longer go back to the same.

6 years later, I believe I would still make the same decision, now.
Cause I am still who I am, it is thou that had changed.
I am left with no feelings for thou, hate has gone, unspoken forgiveness and faded memories.
Life changes and move on.
I am still the same and yet different in many ways, thinking and perspectives.

No longer in the past...pointless..
I have let go.

Emotions build who I am.
Feelings create my line.
What had broke my passion, I am slowly picking and mending the jigsaw pieces back.
Yes, I am alone.
Not many will tread my line of less traveled path.
But this is me.

I feel, thee do not or may not feel.
I have always said, like does not have or need a reason.
One does not love with a reason or purpose.
Love becomes a meaning, creates life journey together.

Age makes me ponder, wisdom holds me back.
So, I am stuck in limbo, impassable here.
Sometimes, I feel I am sick of this impassiveness.
Anothers, I feel nothing.
Others, I just want to shut down and give up.
Now, I am slowly shutting down, moving from hope to disappoint to emptiness, letting thee go and giving up any thoughts.

Over the past time,
I have gone from zero to curiosity, hope, comes twinge, baffle, to mundane, melancholy in transition to oblivion and emptiness.
When I am there,
either one can go through the same cycle again,
or I can just goes zilch, end of line.

~ M.Y. ~
October 26th 2013

Check in for the year of 2013..

7 months has past in a blink of an eye for 2013..
And here I am reflecting back on what I had and have done this year so far.
Most of the people I know, they reflect usually at the start or end of the year.
Definitely not in the middle of the year.
Guess I am just weird or abnormal, as usual.

Time just seems to slip past me when I do not keep a lookout for it, or not being aware enough about it.

Days passed everyday, from home to work..
Recently, I just started a course, which takes up more of the leisure time.
Imagine, 5 days work week, sometimes weekends burnt in the process of working..
Amount of work to cover in the office..
2 to 4 days of lectures, depending on the coursework..
Amount of assignments, lectures, quizzes and exams to clear for the modules..
Sometimes I wonder how do I assign enough time to each individual tasks.

Week passed after week, working and studying..
Months move on to the next..
Suddenly, when you stop yourself. A new year has passed.
Just like that.
Surprisingly? Miraculously, I survived another year in my life. *laughs*
That is really a sad way of putting it.

That was my thought till recently...

Once, a friend mentioned about "keeping the brain alive and working, by studying and making it work. Besides just working everyday."
That got me thinking and wanted to do something.
And started the course.

Before I commenced on the course, my days are just work and home.
Randomly, spending time on things which I felt like doing.
Now, besides work, lectures, assignments and coursework take up another portion of my daily life.
You may think that I have lesser time to do my personal stuff.
However, I think that I have become more time manageable. Occupying my daily life more efficient than previously.
With the energy boost which I have everyday now, I can achieve more things.
Good health, staying and eating healthy, it allows me with the energy boost daily.
Following a set of scheduled routine, it makes me to be more time conscious.
Time becomes very precious and making sure that none is lost to doing nothing constructive to me, in my dictionary.
So life has become routine...and I became slightly bored..*laughs*
Yes, so like me...bored when there is a routine to follow. Bored, but I will still continue till the point of "unbearability"...if there is such a word..

After almost 5 years of sabbatical, I think that it is a good time to break the silence..
Start to get to know and meet more people, start to make new friends again.
Rested for 5 years, it should be enough to repair and recuperate what has been lost.
A major part of myself.
Maybe a milestone for myself..in some sense.
This time round, it is a better version of me. A stronger version of me.

Another friend taught me a new perspective in life.
Get out of the damn shell, move on and live life.
Try, else you would not know it.
An additional to mine..
You only live once, live it without regrets..
Do not have regrets to think back on in the future to come..

So I am trying out new perspectives, in my context.
Getting to know and making new friends.
It gives me new ideas to write and think about.
A energy boost in passion to start up again on things which I used to love to do and still do love now..
Certainly, this is a good start.
I hope it will continue on and I can acquire more and new things/perspectives/passion in my life.
Creating and moving my life onto what I want.
Not wasting my life away, and have regrets in the future of what I should have done and not work towards it.

Here goes...until the next time...