myself..

Who am I?
I am just a regular plain Jane..
nothing fantastic about me..
nothing special about..
just me and myself, my brain, my always thinking mind..
my empty soul..

until 2 years ago..
someone special came into my life..
someone whom I thought was special..
and everything changes..
and 2 years later, everything changes again..
the only thing different this time is, I have become an empty soul..
a useless fucking soul for a whole year plus..
till today, I realized it..
I have been a wandering useless piece of shit..
worthless of nothing..

Now, I decided that I had enough of all these self pity..
self worthless skank..
where no one will care..
not even a friend..
the only one who will truly care, would be myself..
the one who will be living my life, would be only me..
the one who will live my life till the last breath, would be just myself..
if anything to be blamed, I can only fault myself with..
no one else, just myself..
and only me to love myself with..

I can only depend on myself for whatever happens, everything I do..
I have no one else in this world, except for myself..
only I will love myself..
I have only myself to love me..
no one..

13 years ago...part 1..

I have been thinking a lot as usual..
What should I do with my life?
What can I do in my life?
How should I go about in my life?

Thinking way back into the past..

13 years ago..
just a scroll and three..
a fresh young girl who just finished her college..
due to financial problems at home..
she can't afford to go to university like any regular kids around her..
she didn't want to take out a loan for her studies..
she decided to support herself and through her studies..
she started to work..

She started young in this harsh working society..
being herself..
being humble around all her colleagues..
always working to the best that she can do for the people whom she worked for..
with just a goal..
to get herself through the education which she was interested in..
she enrolled into a private school and studied something which she thought that she had interests in..
all the technologies flying around her..
she pursued after it while working hard for the life..
and she was just nineteen years old..
such a tender age..
and she already thought too much about..

A bypasser might think that she is a stupid gal..
she should have just taken the loan and forced herself into the university..
since she has been a Science student throughout her whole school life..
from high school, she was a Science kid..
straight up to college, still a Science student..
never stopped to think whether was she really in fact into Science..
or just for the sake of it..
never stopped to think that her passion was in something else, burning quietly in her blood..

Since young days..
she has been writing, drawing, looking at pictures, beautiful things..
books of poems, short writing filled the pages..
drawings of her friends whom she loved dearly..
pictures of silly things which she drawn in secret..
all these were her darkest secret..
which she never mentioned to anyone..
not a single soul at all..
she is always in awe of writing, drawing and pictures..

the whole time, she has been working and studying for science..
technologies, networks..
and more..

fucking lost..

I have many thoughts in my mind at this point in time..
trying to gather and organize them from A to Z, 1 to 10..
not sure where to start from..
cos I can't see the links for them..
connecting them from one to other..

frustration seeps into the brain..
slowly despair appears at the doorstep knocking on my door of thoughts..
hope doesn't seem to find a path around it..
I am trying to find a way through the whole thing..

Should I just leave things to fate?
should I fight for how the things should go?
should I just let things move by itself?
should I just ignore everything?

Who am I?
What am I?
What are my beliefs?
Why am I shaken?
Why am I so conflicted and confused?
How did me happened?

Ahhhhhh.....
seriously, I am doubting myself..
seems like a drill going through my brain..
draining everything I have and I am, I used to be..
I need a direction..
I need a fucking guide..
I need an aim..
I need a meaning..
I need a life..
I need my life..my meaning..
I need my passion back..
I need my sanity..
I need my fucking crazy thoughts and ways back..
I need myself back..
I need me back..
Where is me?

Damn damn damn..

succurro

Looking back for the past 1 year plus..
I did nothing..practically zero..
nada..in my life..
except, go to work, go home sleep, read anything and everything which interest me..
equals no life..
did not take a single photograph..
did not start to write a single line for my book..
did not read the topics which I am supposed to..
did not think about my life..
did not think about my future..

I did wait to pass this life..
I did wait to die..
I did waste my life..
I did wait to end my wasted life..

Photography used to be my passion..
writing used to be my life..
after that wild stint of love that came into my life and eventually left..
I lost my passion and life..
I am looking for the burning fire in my passion and life..
still searching..
seems to lost it..
and I can't find it..
Help..
I guess..

quidam lost, serio

Lying on my bed, trying to will myself to sleep at 6am after my night shift..
finding myself unable to fall asleep..
wired in the brain, can't seem to sleep..
suddenly, a flash of memory came back to me..
as the pain cuts through my heart and mind..

The night when I broke up with my ex-partner..
the dramatic scene keeps playing in my mind..
the tears that kept flooding the cheeks..
the pain which kept cutting through the heart..
the fear of loss thundering in my brain..
the loss of the true love which I thought I had..
the cuts bore on my skin inflicted in the moments of numbness..
all the worst thoughts and fears came crashing in my mind..
while I was faraway in the foreign land of Hong Kong, after spending 4 hours' of flight..
in the familiar surroundings of our home, which I had spent my 2 years' youth in..
the memories on each surface of the home which we have created..
with all the momentos that we had given each other..
all the sweet plushy kids which we had given each other over the period..
seriously, not even in the homeland of Singapore..
most of all, the fear of losing the one whom I thought I truly loved and loved by..

I guess, I was wrong after all..
The betrayal..
The abandonment..
The loss..
everything happened overnight..
and the death of my grandmother followed straight after..
The pain was too much to cope with..
my brain and heart shut down..
created a wall of barrier around me..
the door closed and locked up, the key was thrown far into the depths of the abyss..

I lived through the days without any hopes or goals..
living the life of a vampire..
zombie..

seriously be damned..
kind of lost, seriously..