Fanaa..

Fanaa, the act of destruction of the self, "destroyed on love".
Destruction, the act of destroying, annihilating.
Destroy, to extinguish, annihilate, reduce to useless fragments, ruin beyond recognition, put an end.
A two-syllabus word that describes the end of something complex in this world. It is quite an amusing thought. One simple word that annihilate something that powerful. Like David versus Goliath.

If only, it is that simple. With just a flick of wand. Or even the gentle whisper of the word itself carries along with the soft breeze in the trees. Maybe, might be, could be, perhaps, somehow, sometimes, one never know till you actually try it or happenstance upon.

Fanaa, self-destructive? Human destroys something in everyday of their life, whether you do it consciously or unknowingly, be it big or small. Human - exterminator of this world? *laughs* maybe, could be, should be. Some things never change, be it few million years ago, now or hundreds of thousands years later. Who knows? I am no longer around to witness that sight. On the other hand, I might be, after several many reincarnations later, that is if you believe in such. Morbid mentality.

More so, in the context of love and relationships between human. Not so much of the human life itself. In existence daily and everyday of one's life.

Someone once quoted this to me, "There is always one woman to save you from another and as that woman saves you, she makes ready to destroy." How apt it is, in this context. The act of self-destruction, out of love. She saves you, while you are saved, at the same time, you are being destroyed by hers truly, slowly but surely, in bits and pieces, into million broken pieces.

She loved you.

She destroyed you, for the sake of love, for another of hers.

A vicious cycle, it seems.

Does it ever end at some point?

Maybe, maybe not.

To some, not all.

Morbidity sets in again.

Funny, how it seems.

She destroyed for another, because she first loved you and you gave her your heart.

You must be thinking, "I did not ask for that."

But in reality, you cannot control it.

Because she could not promise you forever, not even an ever..just a fleeting moment, confused maybe.

Then what in the hell did we ever do such thing for? Self-destruction? Love? For that moment? Confusion?

No explanation.

It is the same as, I fell in love and love you, no reason.

No reason is needed to love one. It is a feeling, unexplainable, just the simple yet complicated love.

Hmmm...here goes another cycle of self-destruction.

Maybe. I have no answer or guarantee for it.

It is a risk which we all have to take and go through in life.

If only, every relationship is this logical, precise and explainable.

Things would be much easier to define, start and end.

In reality, it can never be as such.

Human is a complex specie.

Our five senses aid and deter human in life, in this context.

Feelings, mind, body and soul complicate everything involved.

Simply put, it is a clusterfuck of human relationship.

Guess what, human still goes ahead with it. Even though knowingly that things can become a huge complication.

Develop feelings for that special someone. Fall in love, truly, madly, deeply. Good and bad. Everything becomes blurred, in between lines. Sweet memories or bad arguments, disagreements.

Then you miss that someone, as you love her or him deeply. They stay in your thoughts, every single second, moment of your free time. Even as you work or go about your daily life, they still remain etched firmly at the foremost of your mind. It is like a Nazi occupying the full twenty-four by seven of your brain time. They steal your soul completely and unrelentlessly, selfishly. Somehow you would not realize, how much you have actually given yourself to that someone just like that, unconditionally. Blurred in-between the lines, that you cannot even differentiate the actual you from the you with her or him anymore. As much as you want to control yourself and pull away from the mixed lines, you just cannot seem to do so. Or maybe you do not want to, because you are afraid that you will lose all the connections from them, both in reality and in memories.

Love.

It is such a big word, just like Goliath. It occupies almost the entirety of one being. Just as Woody Allen said, "Maybe the poets are right. Maybe love is the only answer." In this world. At the start of every connection. At the end of every relationship. It is just a four-lettered word, which contains immense meaning within itself, indescribable with just a few words.

"...we started the moment when our hearts are linked." This is me. It is as real as one can get.

Truth is, to me, love is something which, it is as what it is. It is sometimes quiet and muted, in all pale soft-hueness. Other times, it can be full of vibrant in brilliance colours of oranges, yellows and reds..maybe purples and pinks. Do not worry, it would not go un-noticed. Even if it is not visible or physical, it definitely will be felt, surrounding you at the very least. You would not feel lonely, the warmth of it caresses you softly yet supports you firmly. Sometimes, it just needs some alone time away from you. Not to deny you, but to be able to complete you in so many ways. Please do not blame yourself for that split moment. True love will still come back to you and make you whole again.

It can be slow building over days, months, endless time. The yearnings beyond you and me, sometimes even, not just a few words can be used. It can be a love at first sight. It works differently for everybody. No one love is the same. It is unique and special in its own individual quirkiness. That is why love is different for each and every one of us. "I love you's", this three special words, easily given. But the meaning is unlimited and beyond comprehension, as it must meant before it can be given. That is, for me. Without its significant meaning, everything is lost. It would be just lip-service. What art fore then?

It can be a form of support. Just holding onto you when you are feeling down. Holding onto you when you are sad. Keeping you company when you are alone. Holding you on together when you are in pieces, literally. Holds your hair when you empty your stomach. Getting you medicine when you need them, while worrying about you. Hugs and comforts you when you cry your heart out for your loss or in pain. Squeezes your hand reassuring when you are nervous. Cuddles you when all you need is one. Gets you chocolates when you are in dire of one. Drags you out of bed for breakfast or coffee, after lazing together in bed late into the morning on a Sunday, and strolls along the beach or park, just being together. Sitting there next to you, as we read and do things separately together in companion comfortable silence. Hunts for interesting and quirky spots in the small lanes and streets of the lesser travelled, explore together during that spur of moment. Discovering new places by getting lost, holding your hands together. Building the relationship together, spending time together. Sharing words, conversations and thoughts with each other. Be it similars or differences. We are still who we are, whom we love and fallen in love with each other.

Be the one to share your despair, happiness, sad and happy moments with you. Be your best support and the only cheerleader when you need one. Be the most truthful person to you as you want me. Be your best friend, lover, family, soul mate, or even your worst and best critic.

There can be days which fights, disagreements happen and arguments, which can hurt blatantly. Sarcasms can sting, yet playful. I will put my pride aside and apologize at the end, for my mistakes and misunderstandings. Please be patient with me. Please be careful with my heart. As I will be with yours, treating it as precious cargo in my care. There will be days, I am your best friend, and I can be your worst critic. However, it is all honesty and sincerity that I am with you. My heart, soul, mind and body is naked bare to you. I am who I am, to you. Please do not doubt me, as I have my faith and trust in you. Keep my heart safe with you, as I have left it with you in safekeep. I am alone, empty and incomplete without you around.

Some days, you might feel that I seem to be far away even as we talk and chat, and my mind seems to wander away from you. Please do not worry, you are not losing me. It is just that I am doubting myself at some point, distractions from the daily life has failed me and caused my wanderings to mull or fix them. I am still the same me, my love and passion for you and about you, they stay the same. You are the best thing that has ever happened in my life. Please tolerate this shortcoming and many others, of mine. I will love you no less, despite my shortcomings in life. Please do not have doubts and remember that you are my pillar, in so many other words. I love you more not just because you will always hold onto me, safeguard my heart and weather me from all unsettlements in the world, like a lighthouse guiding me in the violent ocean.

My shoulders will always be there for you to lean on when you need one. My chest for you to rest upon when you need a break. Hugs for you when all you need is one. No words are needed. Cuddles on the couch as we share a moment together. Keeps you warm in the bed when you feel cold from the world. Gives you tender kisses just caused...makes passionate love with and to you, even if I am spent.

I know someday, you might wake up and realize that you want more. And when or if that day does come, I hope that I am that very person whom can be there and suffice for you. If you eventually decide to let go and break away from me like the one before, I hope that you will feel the genuineness heart of mine and understand the comprehensiveness of the real depth, of just how much I feel for you.

Just as said before, the yearnings and missing that special someone can be so much intense than loving her or him. You miss her or him, as you love her or him deeply. They stay etched firmly in your thoughts, your mind, your soul, even your very temple of body. For every single second, moment of your time.

Just like Fanaa, self-destruction, on the act of love.

~ M.Y. ~

December 4th 2013