I faked a smile.

I faked a smile. Seems like I did and do, more these days than ever. Hiding? I guess so. The two corners of the line  seem to be down these days. Kind of hard to pull them up when I am by myself. Tried.

Today, I tried to lure them up, as I stood in front of the mirror. Willing them to move, the muscles refused to budge. Right side shifted slightly, the other left remains stubborn. Kind of hard to get both left and right to cooperate.

Such a simple act of drawing the corners up, seems tediously in vain.

Fake a smile. I told myself. If you do not, people will start asking questions. Will I be able to answer and vocalize the strings of thoughts in my mind to them and get the "meant to be" meanings across to them? Or make things even worse? Or complicates things?

Do I even bother about it? Have I ever been bothered about what others think? Not really. I seldom care about what others see me. I am quite the "no man island" sort. I do as I deem fit. I decide what I do, what I am. I bear the consequences, be it good or bad.

Regrets? Not really. Why have regrets when you decide to do something? Never to regret. Please do not try to demean it. Things happen for a reason, I think. Somehow, I have some doubts about it. But I am not alienating the phrase of it. Just trying to convince myself of the reality of it.

In front of others, surprisingly it is easier to curve them up. How easy. The skin managed to make the angles to a degree for the curve to fall. Though the muscles can not seem to make an effort to help themselves. Friends, strangers, family even. It just seems easier.

A memory struck me. I was reminding someone, "You do not have to smile when you do not feel it. Your smile does not reach your eyes when you force it. The spark is not in your eyes. I see those. Smile when you really feel it. Laugh when you truly feel it.". Funny, I am at that point of standstill, currently.

I just do not want others to worry. I just do not want some to make use of the chance to back arrow and stab me. I just do not want those who care, to worry too much. As I slipped into the darkness like 5 years ago. I am trying very hard not to. My brain is deterring my heart from it. My heart is not helping it with any minimal effort.

I hate this vulnerability. I hate to be this vulnerable again. It just takes away everything. Making me like a living dead, roaming aimlessly like a fool. Not that I do not already resemble one. Such a tool. Such a useless fool.

Here I am again. Wide awake at 5am. The silence broken. Stillness no more. I told you before. We both enjoyed the quietness and silence during such moments. Shucks. You are not here to share this with me anymore. Not my thoughts. Not my frequency. Nothing anymore.

Once again, I fake a smile and put on a mask as always.

I reminisce the memories. I miss you and our times together.

~ M.Y. ~
December 2nd 2013