So I guess this is it.. my last note to L...

L: Seriously, you have been acting weird since I left for KL and frankly speaking, it's making me feel uncomfortable. Trying to be honest here.

*sad laughs* seems like I have been pegged by you, as a weirdo. I believe that I have told you before that I am an abnormal individual with weird personality. Honestly, at this point, I do not really care much further. It's all right. No worries. I understand. You would not be comfortable with this friend here further.

So I guess this is it. To me, I do not mean it as a finale, nor I am saying goodbye, as I still value our friendship to this point. If you decide so, so be it. I am not going force anything. However, I have had enough of this silence. If you decide to continue with it, so be it, I cannot be the sole one trying to bridge the communication when communication is a two-way street. You chose this and called it quits. I have tried to reach out to you several times, but it seems useless. It is draining to keep trying to reach out when you do not respond at all. The ball is now in your court. I still consider you as a friend and value this friendship.

Disagreements, quarrels...and silence treatment.. How matured we are. Are we still 3?

Guess you do not have the physical energy or mental energy to deal with such a difficult person, like me. Neither do you have the time to. Difficult person am I? I am actually simple to deal with, besides the brain thinking part.

I wonder, why is it that things changed and deteriorated, even before this disagreement. I understand that you have a lot to deal with. But why the sudden change? If you do notice and realized that things actually started to change over the last 1 month. For better or worse, honestly I do not know, it could be better or worse in my perspective. Maybe not yours. Ambiguity between us seems to exist. I felt it. Maybe you did or not. You might think that I am sensitive. Yes, I am the sensitive type. This is me. And? It is wrong?

I understand because of your working lifestyle and it is the nature of the industry. I do not blame you, as it is similar in mine. It is either "break it" or "lose it" working lifestyle in my industry. I have accepted it long ago. But it does not mean that I agree with it, or does it give me or you the reason for disintegrating our life. We live our life, not our work. Remember "Live Life" and "Love Life"? I am tired as well, I search in life, for that energy support to sustain or energize my life. I am still searching. Hopeful and wishing for it. It could be from myself, family, friends or passion.

I am tired of being and staying on a negative note with another person for so long. I am not the type to stay angry or in disagreement with another for long periods of time. I do not like it. I do not like anger, hate or anything negative. I do not like conflicts in my personal life, when I am already dealing with conflicts and providing solutions daily at work. It is draining physically and mentally, and it does not make much sense to be this way. I would rather work disagreements out face-to-face and carry on in life. It is wasting precious time when I can use it more meaningful to create more memories with that person. There are so much more things to explore, know, learn and experience in life. I am borderlining insomnia and surviving on 3-4 hours of sleep these days, so ya, I am tired.

I will miss much of our shared conversations, messagings, differences in opinions, snarky remarks, sarcasms, mewlings pictures, random pictures of different sorts, late night movies, hangouts, walks, museum visits, screenings, Arab street, pho and memories, of all that we have done. Maybe these do not mean much or anything to you even. *sad laughs* However, they will be kept precious by me. As you have decided to ignore me since 4 days ago after our disagreed conversation, or rather messages. Even though I have tried to reach out to you for the past few days.

What I will miss most, is you and your companionship.

On last Saturday, when you saved the crow from the busy road, even though it had already died by the time you cradled in your hand. It was a saddening scene, seeing the crow died before it could be rescued and ran over twice literally right in front of my eyes, it has actually kind of killed me at that point. However, your action of saving it, it warms my heart and put it right somehow. To think that someone is actually brave enough to do that, I have witnessed such a scene myself, I think my heart just melted literally. Though I was worried about your safety versus the oncoming bus, keeping a lookout for you.

How weird it is. We just spent a short time as friends together. Much memories have been created, and they are treasured by me. It is very sad to see it deteriorated and wasted away. So this is how fragile our friendship is. I dislike this fragility.

In all honesty, yes, I like you, more than a friend. I realized this when you went away during your last trip to Malaysia. I know that you are unavailable in this department, which is why I kept quiet about these things. Seeing that this most likely will be my last writing to you, as you have chosen to ignore me and probably gave up on this friendship. I see pointless hiding or keeping quiet anymore. I like your quirkiness, your intellectual, your beautiful mind and interesting things or facts which you remember, your way of making your point, your way of thinking, thoughts and who you are. I like you for who you are and will be. Who you are and will be, attracted me and still do. As I learnt more about you, I found that you are an interesting individual in my life.

Thank you for the many things you showed and enlightened me for the past 5 months. I have learnt much from you and about you. Thank you for all the memories. Thank you for your friendship and your friends whom I got to know. Good luck in life. Be truly happy. Hopefully someday you will be feeling better, time heals all wounds, so they say. You do not have to smile when you do not feel it, remember that I said this before. Your smile does not reach your eyes when you force it. The spark is not in your eyes. I see those. Smile when you really feel it. Laugh when you truly feel it.

At this point, if you feel that this is vindictive or emotion blackmail or more. I am unable to care much. Reason being, with your silence treatment, do you not think that is vindictive as well? In fact, I think it is much worse than vindictive. It is outright ostracism and rude in some ways. It is harsher than anything, to me. All in all, I am tired of being ignored with the silence treatment. If you feel that this is the right way to deal with things and friends, I have no further qualms, except to agree with you that you definitely do have low EQ when dealing with people, with all due respect. I am not faulting you on that, in fact this is who you are, and I accept it as part of you.

Drama much, you must be thinking. Life is full of dramas every single day, if you notice it. Every single thing is a drama of its own, unfolding itself in front of the individual involved. It is how one sees it and deals with it, as they will always be present in life itself.

I am the type who keeps my promise. I think you do know that by now, and many other things about me. I promise you the biscotti (a whole tub) which you love, they are ready freshly baked, whenever you want to collect it. I am on 12hrs shift from this weekend till I do not know when, 7pm to 7am. I have left the biscotti attached to your name with my reception at 24th floor, collect it whenever, please do not worry, you would not see me. If you decided not to collect, I will just trash it as nobody will be able to appreciate it, your acquired taste for salt.

I do not want things or our friendship to end like this. But I think you are not be comfortable. But you have called it quits. I guess I should have learnt it by now, abandonment. It happened once before, and i guess many more to come, in my life.

I will miss you and our friendship. Good luck in life. Be truly happy. Smile when you really feel it. Laugh when you truly feel it. Take care of your health and body, I have been worried about you and I still do. Goodbye and best endeavours in all you do in life.

J


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yup, I have been pegged as a weirdo outright by another fellow being. A first in my three-score odd years. I have always understand and known myself as abnormal in many ways. Thinkings, perspectives, morals, principles and many others. However, my conscience is clear and the decisions I made, they did not harm others. Maybe just myself, in consequences to bear. At least, I did not fail anyone else, just myself in ways.

Twisted, one may think I am...probably...I am one twisted masochistic sonofabitch. *laughs* I am not proud of it, it is just reality in my life.

To me, Love is something special and precious in life. I respect it with my whole being. And I respect the individual, whom I fall in love and love, for who you are and will be. Because who you are, is the person whom I fell in love in and continue loving in life. Change is the only constant in life. Why change the person who you have fallen in love with? When he or she is the person whom you love. Many do not understand this fact or sometimes misunderstood its actual meaning.

Foolish it may seems to others, but I did not regret it. Making things and feelings clear.

Principle of mine: Never to regret any decisions that I made. I would rather take the chance and do it, than to regret that I did not do it, later in life.

Maybe this is why no one can endure or stay long with me. Stubborn of me? Maybe. But I did not hurt anyone for it. I bear all of the consequences so far, in my life. Only those friends who know the real me, they understand me. I have many friends in my life, but not all truly know me. I am not the sort who opens my heart door to others. Not easily understood by people.

All I can say, my friend, I wish all the best endeavours in life and hope that things will become better for you in life someday. It might be soon or not, do not give up or lose patience. I am sorry that things have become like this, but I am not sorry for who I am. You are still a friend, whom I accepted you as who you are.

Though I have not told you the complete story of my past. Yes, I did cut off all connections from her, to save myself, my sanity and broken heart. But my soul and mind still exist with her existence for the last 5 years, which I have come to terms that she was a part of my past and continues to be part of my memories, both good and bad. I have never denied her existence. I continue to live with it for the rest of my life. Adding more memories of my own, creating mine into my memories.

Coward maybe. Stubborn maybe. But this is me, part of who I am, in this life. I thought there might be someone who accepts me for who I am, in this life. *sad laughs* Apparently it is just a wishful thinking part of mine.

There are more to be said, understand. But for now, I think it is pointless and meaningless to say further, when you have already opinionized me in your own perspectives. No more said will be understood and taken in further.

Nada..zero..zilch..nothing..
Life still has to go on..

~ M.Y. ~
November 23rd 2013

Note to L..#7.. Let go..

I am telling myself to let everything go, of you. Let go of you.
Let go of any thoughts pertaining to you.
Let go of having a life, with you as part of it.
Let go of the thought that we might have a life together.
Let go of the thought that you might be a part of my life.
Let go of wanting you.
Let go of loving you.

I have not had these thoughts for someone for a long time.
I have not had this thought of loving someone from then till now.

Seems like there is no point left for me, after the displays of acts which I felt and seen from you. Acts and mentality of rejection and ostracism.

How befitting those strong words might be, considering the strength of the emotions.

"Would you consider dating me? and we Still maintain that friendship if things do not go as we like to?" This phrase was advised by a friend, telling me to give it a try and say to you.

Somehow I think, the answer will be more prone to "No", rather than "Yes".

Not assumption, just the gut feeling and my understanding of you, so far..

~ M.Y. ~
November 17th 2013

Note to L..#6..

It sudden occurred to me that, maybe the mindset of yours in your last relationship sets the course of the relationship.

Yes, everything was good. But you expected it to go south, somehow.

You had the mindset that it would not go well anyhow, especially towards the end of it.

Rational mind sets you on the course of destruction.

You felt something bad was going to happen. You didn't even make the bookings and apply leave for India, just because you had the feeling that the trip was not going to be realized.

This action is your logical brain aiding your heart for the subsequent due course.

Sorry, I know this whole thing does not concern me. Neither should I meddle in it. The idea itself just popped out to me in the middle of the night. I was thinking about stuff and doing my notes. Somehow it just came to me. Maybe my mind was just too involved with you. Nevertheless, none of my business ultimately.
Somehow along the way of life, you slowly got poisoned by the theory that love has become unsubstantial, unsustainable, insufficient and unnecessary in life.

Ever thought of the fact that the base of a human is emotions. Love is a source of emotions which human is sustained in majorly.

So you are somehow proclaiming that love is not really necessary in life. It is something like an extra, unnecessary part of life.

Who are we actually? Just a mankind. Just a human. Just another species on earth. Just surviving day to day on this atmosphere in this lifetime. ? Why are we even here in the first place?

Somehow I sounded like a perpetually unsatisfied, never-ending child, asking, questioning and challenging the un-norms.

~ M.Y. ~
November 17th 2013

Note to L..#5.. Withdrawing my emotions..

Human is quite a complex thing.
Ever changing species by nature.
One can be feeling, doing thoughts along one trail of ideas at this moment.
And move towards a total switch to another, in a short time span of change.

Logically speaking, in my brain, with rational.
Sometimes, I know that I should not and cannot do or feel in this aspect of things.
But the heart pulsating blood in my body, runs over my logic mind.
I just did the opposite of logic.
or rather it happened, secretly, ethereally encompassed me entirely, like a silent assassin.

When I realized it, it has already latched itself and entwined onto me.
Too late for detaching? To me, it is not the matter of time for too late.
It is more, about the right frequency connection, chemistry of feeling.
What I am. What you are. What I feel. What I see. What we are. What we see. What we feel. What we can become. What we could be. What we would be as one.
However, one cannot be wise and in love at the same time.
Either foolishly in love or lonely in wisdom.

Human touch is a scary feeling..
It eludes me..
I never knew what a human touch could do to me, make me feel, till back then..
It is like, I get the warm temperature that envelops me when I hold out my hand, there..
Just like kissing another..
One cannot feel the same while kissing oneself on the mirror.

I get too used to another warmth besides me..
Ex used to warm my cold and lonely body..
It comforted me, it felt that someone will always there for me..
When it was taken away from me, it suddenly turned sub-zero..
Created a ice wall, trapping my already cold self in frozen state..

I get too comfortable with your presence in my life..
What if I lose myself in it now and lose myself again when it gets taken away, if I get too used to this luxury..
Makes me doubt human entirely..
Withers back into my dark cell..

Your existence invades a huge part of my thoughts and me..
From good morning till twilight, into the late nights..
I see you more than regular friends, even more than the combined time I spent with my family..
It becomes too familiar and comfortable having you around me..

It scares me and lures me, at the same time..
Knowing and aware that I should not enter into that ream..
Both of us cannot promise anything..
Still it entices my soul into the seducement..

Disengaging from the entirety of you.
Revisiting what we have spoken, chatted and the late nights' together so far.
Slowly digesting, digressing and emptying into the black hole.
Pulling myself away, withdrawing from you.
Instead of inflicting pain on myself and destroying this friendship of ours.

Detaching my emotions that were latched onto the flower bud of growth.
Abstain the development of something which I have no control over, desperately.
Cutting loose, no...hacking away the red vines of temptation before it tightens the hold over me.
No, it is not pms that causes this detachment.
It is me, more than anything else.
I can only answer for my reasons, not yours.

Withdrawing my feelings back into myself.
I think maybe, it is good timing that you have gone away for the weekend.
Allowing me to pull back, take back, stow away my emotions.
Disassociating myself from any elements of you..
Locking myself back into the lone ranger state. Orientating back.
Slipping myself away bit by bit, from you.

Self-containing all feelings and awareness, in me.
I will miss you and what we did or shared together, even though you said not to.
When I detach, I let go, give up, cease our special connection.
The end. Finem.

~ M.Y. ~
November 2nd 2013

P.S. This was written while I was having you in my mind.

Note to L..#4..

Different is kind. Different is refreshing. Different is just different.

What is different? People, things, feelings, life, culture, places, experience. What am I talking gibberish about? Sometimes, I have no idea.

Maybe I am just throwing ideas around in my head. Nothing concrete. Just random ideas plucking.

~ M.Y. ~
November 16th 2013

Note to L..#3..

Hate is a wasted emotion. A rather waste of energy. I do not believe in hating someone or something. I would prefer to learn about, like and love.

It takes 72 sets of muscles to frown, and only 14 sets of muscles to smile. So you see, it takes more effort and energy wasted to hate than love.

It takes a lot, for me to hate something or someone.
It takes a lot out of me to hate someone or something.
I seldom or rarely hate. But when I do hate, it becomes very bad. It is the same as being angry.

Most of the time, I do not like bad emotions in me. Unless, it is extreme cases.

Frustrated, pissed off and angry emotions are different from hate and vengeance.

Till now, I have never hated anyone else, not even my ex.

I guess I am blessed with a pretty big capacity of feelings and hate is not one of them.

Sad, or rather melancholy, is an emotion which finds me four out of ten. It fuels me to write.
Creativeness, is a passion that erupts from me, three out of ten. It blooms me to take photographs.
Happiness, is very rare emotion that sees me, once out of ten. Little nuggets of bliss in life helps to keep me sane.

On normal days, I do not or try not to feel anything. Just going through life and work, one day at a time.
Too much emotions on a daily basis causes my moods to go up and down in a rollercoaster.

I use the term "love" here, loosely and figuratively here.

~ M.Y. ~
November 15th 2013

Note to L..#2..

I am not passive aggressive nor self destructive. If I were, you would not meet or know me here and now. I would be long gone out there gallivanting.

Being passive aggressive and self destructive, seriously?! At this age, being that is quite a waste of time and life. To think that you thought such of me..I am hurt and sad. I admit that I do have my moments, moods, but I do not agree with self-destruction. Life is too short for them, so much more things to think and do about.

Instead of those, I rather write to get all the thoughts and emotions out. Go take photos and walk. Go travelling. A more constructive and better way to use my life and time.

I do social drinks, to hang out or chillax with friends. A nice buzz to enjoy, not overkill and get drunk..I have never gotten drunk in my 30-odd years..neither do I intend to.

I drink, you smoke. Capisce?

~ M.Y.~
November 14th 2013

Note to L..#1..

I am my own person, I have my own theories, perspectives and principles, be it how twisted they are, they are mine to own.

Please do not categorize me together with A. She is a person of her own entirety being, with her own set of thinkings and ways.

I am not saying that I am against her thinkings, whether I agree or not, it is another issue. I may not agree with her way of loving someone..or her ideas. But I do understand or empathize with her in some way or another.

Love is something good, a bonus in life, quite an unattainable factor in life now. To love is one thing, to be loved is another. It is not always a two-way street.

Life overrules everything else in life. When there is no life, there is no love. However, it is a fact that life and love are linked in many ways incomprehensible..it is a complicated link which one cannot separate the two of them all together and clearly define like science, which everything can be explained precisely.

Heck, why am I stewing over this with you? Just does not make sense. *laughs* anyways..it is too random. Might be too heavy in some sense..you might not even understand where I am coming from.

It is a tiring thing to communicate with another person, when that person does not think that it is not all worthy of it. The same as associating with real people. Most of the time, people who surround me, just do not think logically, or superficially at best. To actually find real people who think, is like a rare gem.

It is the same as I like you, more than a friend, as a person. But that does not constitute that I agree with all of your perspectives.

Hell, it is refreshing to have someone who has different set of thinkings, which allows me to have different perspectives from mine, so that I can look at things from a different angle.

I am tired of thinking diplomatically for both sides of things all the time, for everybody..sometimes I just want to be selfish and think for my own good.

Judge me for that, I will bite you for it.

Guess what, I had to use Evernote to write all this stuff, instead of memo. My first note on Evernote and used it for this. Damn.

I hope you have not taken this the wrong way. I am not arguing with you. It is just some parts of my thoughts. It comes and goes. I wanted to pen it down before it flew away and escaped from me. And I was studying law at the same time.

On weekdays, I do not have the luxury to digress and think about things at my own pace. Neither do I have enough ram in the brain for it. It is work all the time, things I have to deal with at work. On weekends, thoughts just come to me as and when they like. So I have to pen them down before I forget.

I apologize for the long message, but not sorry for my thoughts.

~ M.Y. ~
November 11th 2013