Note to L..#5.. Withdrawing my emotions..

Human is quite a complex thing.
Ever changing species by nature.
One can be feeling, doing thoughts along one trail of ideas at this moment.
And move towards a total switch to another, in a short time span of change.

Logically speaking, in my brain, with rational.
Sometimes, I know that I should not and cannot do or feel in this aspect of things.
But the heart pulsating blood in my body, runs over my logic mind.
I just did the opposite of logic.
or rather it happened, secretly, ethereally encompassed me entirely, like a silent assassin.

When I realized it, it has already latched itself and entwined onto me.
Too late for detaching? To me, it is not the matter of time for too late.
It is more, about the right frequency connection, chemistry of feeling.
What I am. What you are. What I feel. What I see. What we are. What we see. What we feel. What we can become. What we could be. What we would be as one.
However, one cannot be wise and in love at the same time.
Either foolishly in love or lonely in wisdom.

Human touch is a scary feeling..
It eludes me..
I never knew what a human touch could do to me, make me feel, till back then..
It is like, I get the warm temperature that envelops me when I hold out my hand, there..
Just like kissing another..
One cannot feel the same while kissing oneself on the mirror.

I get too used to another warmth besides me..
Ex used to warm my cold and lonely body..
It comforted me, it felt that someone will always there for me..
When it was taken away from me, it suddenly turned sub-zero..
Created a ice wall, trapping my already cold self in frozen state..

I get too comfortable with your presence in my life..
What if I lose myself in it now and lose myself again when it gets taken away, if I get too used to this luxury..
Makes me doubt human entirely..
Withers back into my dark cell..

Your existence invades a huge part of my thoughts and me..
From good morning till twilight, into the late nights..
I see you more than regular friends, even more than the combined time I spent with my family..
It becomes too familiar and comfortable having you around me..

It scares me and lures me, at the same time..
Knowing and aware that I should not enter into that ream..
Both of us cannot promise anything..
Still it entices my soul into the seducement..

Disengaging from the entirety of you.
Revisiting what we have spoken, chatted and the late nights' together so far.
Slowly digesting, digressing and emptying into the black hole.
Pulling myself away, withdrawing from you.
Instead of inflicting pain on myself and destroying this friendship of ours.

Detaching my emotions that were latched onto the flower bud of growth.
Abstain the development of something which I have no control over, desperately.
Cutting loose, no...hacking away the red vines of temptation before it tightens the hold over me.
No, it is not pms that causes this detachment.
It is me, more than anything else.
I can only answer for my reasons, not yours.

Withdrawing my feelings back into myself.
I think maybe, it is good timing that you have gone away for the weekend.
Allowing me to pull back, take back, stow away my emotions.
Disassociating myself from any elements of you..
Locking myself back into the lone ranger state. Orientating back.
Slipping myself away bit by bit, from you.

Self-containing all feelings and awareness, in me.
I will miss you and what we did or shared together, even though you said not to.
When I detach, I let go, give up, cease our special connection.
The end. Finem.

~ M.Y. ~
November 2nd 2013

P.S. This was written while I was having you in my mind.