So I guess this is it.. my last note to L...

L: Seriously, you have been acting weird since I left for KL and frankly speaking, it's making me feel uncomfortable. Trying to be honest here.

*sad laughs* seems like I have been pegged by you, as a weirdo. I believe that I have told you before that I am an abnormal individual with weird personality. Honestly, at this point, I do not really care much further. It's all right. No worries. I understand. You would not be comfortable with this friend here further.

So I guess this is it. To me, I do not mean it as a finale, nor I am saying goodbye, as I still value our friendship to this point. If you decide so, so be it. I am not going force anything. However, I have had enough of this silence. If you decide to continue with it, so be it, I cannot be the sole one trying to bridge the communication when communication is a two-way street. You chose this and called it quits. I have tried to reach out to you several times, but it seems useless. It is draining to keep trying to reach out when you do not respond at all. The ball is now in your court. I still consider you as a friend and value this friendship.

Disagreements, quarrels...and silence treatment.. How matured we are. Are we still 3?

Guess you do not have the physical energy or mental energy to deal with such a difficult person, like me. Neither do you have the time to. Difficult person am I? I am actually simple to deal with, besides the brain thinking part.

I wonder, why is it that things changed and deteriorated, even before this disagreement. I understand that you have a lot to deal with. But why the sudden change? If you do notice and realized that things actually started to change over the last 1 month. For better or worse, honestly I do not know, it could be better or worse in my perspective. Maybe not yours. Ambiguity between us seems to exist. I felt it. Maybe you did or not. You might think that I am sensitive. Yes, I am the sensitive type. This is me. And? It is wrong?

I understand because of your working lifestyle and it is the nature of the industry. I do not blame you, as it is similar in mine. It is either "break it" or "lose it" working lifestyle in my industry. I have accepted it long ago. But it does not mean that I agree with it, or does it give me or you the reason for disintegrating our life. We live our life, not our work. Remember "Live Life" and "Love Life"? I am tired as well, I search in life, for that energy support to sustain or energize my life. I am still searching. Hopeful and wishing for it. It could be from myself, family, friends or passion.

I am tired of being and staying on a negative note with another person for so long. I am not the type to stay angry or in disagreement with another for long periods of time. I do not like it. I do not like anger, hate or anything negative. I do not like conflicts in my personal life, when I am already dealing with conflicts and providing solutions daily at work. It is draining physically and mentally, and it does not make much sense to be this way. I would rather work disagreements out face-to-face and carry on in life. It is wasting precious time when I can use it more meaningful to create more memories with that person. There are so much more things to explore, know, learn and experience in life. I am borderlining insomnia and surviving on 3-4 hours of sleep these days, so ya, I am tired.

I will miss much of our shared conversations, messagings, differences in opinions, snarky remarks, sarcasms, mewlings pictures, random pictures of different sorts, late night movies, hangouts, walks, museum visits, screenings, Arab street, pho and memories, of all that we have done. Maybe these do not mean much or anything to you even. *sad laughs* However, they will be kept precious by me. As you have decided to ignore me since 4 days ago after our disagreed conversation, or rather messages. Even though I have tried to reach out to you for the past few days.

What I will miss most, is you and your companionship.

On last Saturday, when you saved the crow from the busy road, even though it had already died by the time you cradled in your hand. It was a saddening scene, seeing the crow died before it could be rescued and ran over twice literally right in front of my eyes, it has actually kind of killed me at that point. However, your action of saving it, it warms my heart and put it right somehow. To think that someone is actually brave enough to do that, I have witnessed such a scene myself, I think my heart just melted literally. Though I was worried about your safety versus the oncoming bus, keeping a lookout for you.

How weird it is. We just spent a short time as friends together. Much memories have been created, and they are treasured by me. It is very sad to see it deteriorated and wasted away. So this is how fragile our friendship is. I dislike this fragility.

In all honesty, yes, I like you, more than a friend. I realized this when you went away during your last trip to Malaysia. I know that you are unavailable in this department, which is why I kept quiet about these things. Seeing that this most likely will be my last writing to you, as you have chosen to ignore me and probably gave up on this friendship. I see pointless hiding or keeping quiet anymore. I like your quirkiness, your intellectual, your beautiful mind and interesting things or facts which you remember, your way of making your point, your way of thinking, thoughts and who you are. I like you for who you are and will be. Who you are and will be, attracted me and still do. As I learnt more about you, I found that you are an interesting individual in my life.

Thank you for the many things you showed and enlightened me for the past 5 months. I have learnt much from you and about you. Thank you for all the memories. Thank you for your friendship and your friends whom I got to know. Good luck in life. Be truly happy. Hopefully someday you will be feeling better, time heals all wounds, so they say. You do not have to smile when you do not feel it, remember that I said this before. Your smile does not reach your eyes when you force it. The spark is not in your eyes. I see those. Smile when you really feel it. Laugh when you truly feel it.

At this point, if you feel that this is vindictive or emotion blackmail or more. I am unable to care much. Reason being, with your silence treatment, do you not think that is vindictive as well? In fact, I think it is much worse than vindictive. It is outright ostracism and rude in some ways. It is harsher than anything, to me. All in all, I am tired of being ignored with the silence treatment. If you feel that this is the right way to deal with things and friends, I have no further qualms, except to agree with you that you definitely do have low EQ when dealing with people, with all due respect. I am not faulting you on that, in fact this is who you are, and I accept it as part of you.

Drama much, you must be thinking. Life is full of dramas every single day, if you notice it. Every single thing is a drama of its own, unfolding itself in front of the individual involved. It is how one sees it and deals with it, as they will always be present in life itself.

I am the type who keeps my promise. I think you do know that by now, and many other things about me. I promise you the biscotti (a whole tub) which you love, they are ready freshly baked, whenever you want to collect it. I am on 12hrs shift from this weekend till I do not know when, 7pm to 7am. I have left the biscotti attached to your name with my reception at 24th floor, collect it whenever, please do not worry, you would not see me. If you decided not to collect, I will just trash it as nobody will be able to appreciate it, your acquired taste for salt.

I do not want things or our friendship to end like this. But I think you are not be comfortable. But you have called it quits. I guess I should have learnt it by now, abandonment. It happened once before, and i guess many more to come, in my life.

I will miss you and our friendship. Good luck in life. Be truly happy. Smile when you really feel it. Laugh when you truly feel it. Take care of your health and body, I have been worried about you and I still do. Goodbye and best endeavours in all you do in life.

J


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Yup, I have been pegged as a weirdo outright by another fellow being. A first in my three-score odd years. I have always understand and known myself as abnormal in many ways. Thinkings, perspectives, morals, principles and many others. However, my conscience is clear and the decisions I made, they did not harm others. Maybe just myself, in consequences to bear. At least, I did not fail anyone else, just myself in ways.

Twisted, one may think I am...probably...I am one twisted masochistic sonofabitch. *laughs* I am not proud of it, it is just reality in my life.

To me, Love is something special and precious in life. I respect it with my whole being. And I respect the individual, whom I fall in love and love, for who you are and will be. Because who you are, is the person whom I fell in love in and continue loving in life. Change is the only constant in life. Why change the person who you have fallen in love with? When he or she is the person whom you love. Many do not understand this fact or sometimes misunderstood its actual meaning.

Foolish it may seems to others, but I did not regret it. Making things and feelings clear.

Principle of mine: Never to regret any decisions that I made. I would rather take the chance and do it, than to regret that I did not do it, later in life.

Maybe this is why no one can endure or stay long with me. Stubborn of me? Maybe. But I did not hurt anyone for it. I bear all of the consequences so far, in my life. Only those friends who know the real me, they understand me. I have many friends in my life, but not all truly know me. I am not the sort who opens my heart door to others. Not easily understood by people.

All I can say, my friend, I wish all the best endeavours in life and hope that things will become better for you in life someday. It might be soon or not, do not give up or lose patience. I am sorry that things have become like this, but I am not sorry for who I am. You are still a friend, whom I accepted you as who you are.

Though I have not told you the complete story of my past. Yes, I did cut off all connections from her, to save myself, my sanity and broken heart. But my soul and mind still exist with her existence for the last 5 years, which I have come to terms that she was a part of my past and continues to be part of my memories, both good and bad. I have never denied her existence. I continue to live with it for the rest of my life. Adding more memories of my own, creating mine into my memories.

Coward maybe. Stubborn maybe. But this is me, part of who I am, in this life. I thought there might be someone who accepts me for who I am, in this life. *sad laughs* Apparently it is just a wishful thinking part of mine.

There are more to be said, understand. But for now, I think it is pointless and meaningless to say further, when you have already opinionized me in your own perspectives. No more said will be understood and taken in further.

Nada..zero..zilch..nothing..
Life still has to go on..

~ M.Y. ~
November 23rd 2013