cant be bothered anymore..life..

everyone live their life as they thought it is supposed to be..
without any thoughts about it, be it goals or dreams..
of whether should it be like this or that..
just like daily routine robots..

nobody stop to ask..
should one's life be boring and mundane like this..
day in day out..
doing the same old stuff..

till the end of time..
till the day you die..
till one fine day you are awaken..
finally you realize that you are not living your life as you should be..

what is the meaning of life?
I once asked myself and went searching for it..
I once found the true meaning of my life, long time ago..
but it left me broken into million pieces, betrayed like a dagger straight to the heart, abandoned like a homeless dog and loss of trust in another, at the very end..

so what does this mean..
what does the meaning of life mean..
what is the meaning of life..
ultimately, meaning of life = broken?
should one still search for the true meaning of life?

- M.Y. -
28th December 2008

lost..

kinda lost in the reality world..
kinda lost in the emotional world..
feeling lost about everything..
feeling lost in life itself..

lost my only companion, BooBuu the monkey..
lost myself to emotions..
lost to the real world..
lost to everything in life..

everything seems mundane..
everyday seems monotonous..
everything seems boring..
life seems boring..

cant be bothered about rudeness..
cant be bothered about shyness..
cant be bothered about anything..
cant be bothered about everything anymore..

bored about life itself..
bored about everything in life..
lost, bored, disheartening and sad about life itself..
sighs..

- M.Y. -
27th December 2008$

poem once again..finally..

to like or to dislike, is simple..
to love or to hate, is never easy..
life as it is..
love is as such..

how to measure love..
how to qualify life..
love is life..
as life is love itself..

who can tell me what love is..
how does love and life begin separately, yet become as one..
lost both before..
will I be abandoned once again like before, when I needed someone the most..

to believe or not to believe..
to trust or not to trust..
betrayed..
abandoned..

can I still believe or trust it again?
promises once made were broken..
life is love..
love is life..

- M.Y.-
25th December 2008

What is love?

Was out with a friend for coffee earlier on..
Had some thoughts on my mind as we talked.

I began to question myself..
"What is love? actually.."

Is it a feeling?
Is it a fleeting moment of revelation?
Is it a need of companion?
Is it a sacrifice of me?
Is it a necessity of life?
What does human do if one does not have one or the other?
The gains and losses from it..

I used to relate life with love..
Is this necessary true?
Does the two entity rely mutually on each other?
Can each survive on one's own?
Does it have to be one after another?
Seems like one revolves around the other..
Is this always necessarily be the case?

Then came along..
What does it lead on after that?
Life, love, then next?
Another question comes to my mind..marriage? commitment?

My mind is full of questions and answers and pondering thoughts..
One thing leading to another..
Maybe I will never get an answer..
maybe I will find an answer to my question..
maybe another question will pop out along with my answer..
frustrating much?
do I really have to think so much into it?
why do I have think this much into such a thing?
Life is supposed to be simple..questions and answers make it complicated..
or rather human makes life complicated when everything is just so simple.
why can't we have a simple life like the animals?
sure we can, but being a human being, we sure do not make things as simple as such, it seems..
forever digging a deeper and bigger hole as we go along, no matter how much we tell ourselves to stop..
Ha...see what I am doing now..going totally off the context..
damn...

vita..

Suddenly had the urge to go back and see somethings..
things from the past..
the fear is still there..
the sadness is still there..
but seems like the pain is not so much anymore..
maybe I have grown older and wiser..

Somehow the past does not seem to be so painful anymore..
sadness still lingers, but all is good..
I guess everything is finally looking good..
keeping my fingers cross and hope for the best..

I am not sure if everything will be great from now on..
but I hope it will be..
I will try to be my best once again..
not a declaration..
just a promise to myself..
a hope for myself..

myself..

Who am I?
I am just a regular plain Jane..
nothing fantastic about me..
nothing special about..
just me and myself, my brain, my always thinking mind..
my empty soul..

until 2 years ago..
someone special came into my life..
someone whom I thought was special..
and everything changes..
and 2 years later, everything changes again..
the only thing different this time is, I have become an empty soul..
a useless fucking soul for a whole year plus..
till today, I realized it..
I have been a wandering useless piece of shit..
worthless of nothing..

Now, I decided that I had enough of all these self pity..
self worthless skank..
where no one will care..
not even a friend..
the only one who will truly care, would be myself..
the one who will be living my life, would be only me..
the one who will live my life till the last breath, would be just myself..
if anything to be blamed, I can only fault myself with..
no one else, just myself..
and only me to love myself with..

I can only depend on myself for whatever happens, everything I do..
I have no one else in this world, except for myself..
only I will love myself..
I have only myself to love me..
no one..

13 years ago...part 1..

I have been thinking a lot as usual..
What should I do with my life?
What can I do in my life?
How should I go about in my life?

Thinking way back into the past..

13 years ago..
just a scroll and three..
a fresh young girl who just finished her college..
due to financial problems at home..
she can't afford to go to university like any regular kids around her..
she didn't want to take out a loan for her studies..
she decided to support herself and through her studies..
she started to work..

She started young in this harsh working society..
being herself..
being humble around all her colleagues..
always working to the best that she can do for the people whom she worked for..
with just a goal..
to get herself through the education which she was interested in..
she enrolled into a private school and studied something which she thought that she had interests in..
all the technologies flying around her..
she pursued after it while working hard for the life..
and she was just nineteen years old..
such a tender age..
and she already thought too much about..

A bypasser might think that she is a stupid gal..
she should have just taken the loan and forced herself into the university..
since she has been a Science student throughout her whole school life..
from high school, she was a Science kid..
straight up to college, still a Science student..
never stopped to think whether was she really in fact into Science..
or just for the sake of it..
never stopped to think that her passion was in something else, burning quietly in her blood..

Since young days..
she has been writing, drawing, looking at pictures, beautiful things..
books of poems, short writing filled the pages..
drawings of her friends whom she loved dearly..
pictures of silly things which she drawn in secret..
all these were her darkest secret..
which she never mentioned to anyone..
not a single soul at all..
she is always in awe of writing, drawing and pictures..

the whole time, she has been working and studying for science..
technologies, networks..
and more..

fucking lost..

I have many thoughts in my mind at this point in time..
trying to gather and organize them from A to Z, 1 to 10..
not sure where to start from..
cos I can't see the links for them..
connecting them from one to other..

frustration seeps into the brain..
slowly despair appears at the doorstep knocking on my door of thoughts..
hope doesn't seem to find a path around it..
I am trying to find a way through the whole thing..

Should I just leave things to fate?
should I fight for how the things should go?
should I just let things move by itself?
should I just ignore everything?

Who am I?
What am I?
What are my beliefs?
Why am I shaken?
Why am I so conflicted and confused?
How did me happened?

Ahhhhhh.....
seriously, I am doubting myself..
seems like a drill going through my brain..
draining everything I have and I am, I used to be..
I need a direction..
I need a fucking guide..
I need an aim..
I need a meaning..
I need a life..
I need my life..my meaning..
I need my passion back..
I need my sanity..
I need my fucking crazy thoughts and ways back..
I need myself back..
I need me back..
Where is me?

Damn damn damn..

succurro

Looking back for the past 1 year plus..
I did nothing..practically zero..
nada..in my life..
except, go to work, go home sleep, read anything and everything which interest me..
equals no life..
did not take a single photograph..
did not start to write a single line for my book..
did not read the topics which I am supposed to..
did not think about my life..
did not think about my future..

I did wait to pass this life..
I did wait to die..
I did waste my life..
I did wait to end my wasted life..

Photography used to be my passion..
writing used to be my life..
after that wild stint of love that came into my life and eventually left..
I lost my passion and life..
I am looking for the burning fire in my passion and life..
still searching..
seems to lost it..
and I can't find it..
Help..
I guess..

quidam lost, serio

Lying on my bed, trying to will myself to sleep at 6am after my night shift..
finding myself unable to fall asleep..
wired in the brain, can't seem to sleep..
suddenly, a flash of memory came back to me..
as the pain cuts through my heart and mind..

The night when I broke up with my ex-partner..
the dramatic scene keeps playing in my mind..
the tears that kept flooding the cheeks..
the pain which kept cutting through the heart..
the fear of loss thundering in my brain..
the loss of the true love which I thought I had..
the cuts bore on my skin inflicted in the moments of numbness..
all the worst thoughts and fears came crashing in my mind..
while I was faraway in the foreign land of Hong Kong, after spending 4 hours' of flight..
in the familiar surroundings of our home, which I had spent my 2 years' youth in..
the memories on each surface of the home which we have created..
with all the momentos that we had given each other..
all the sweet plushy kids which we had given each other over the period..
seriously, not even in the homeland of Singapore..
most of all, the fear of losing the one whom I thought I truly loved and loved by..

I guess, I was wrong after all..
The betrayal..
The abandonment..
The loss..
everything happened overnight..
and the death of my grandmother followed straight after..
The pain was too much to cope with..
my brain and heart shut down..
created a wall of barrier around me..
the door closed and locked up, the key was thrown far into the depths of the abyss..

I lived through the days without any hopes or goals..
living the life of a vampire..
zombie..

seriously be damned..
kind of lost, seriously..