vita..

Suddenly had the urge to go back and see somethings..
things from the past..
the fear is still there..
the sadness is still there..
but seems like the pain is not so much anymore..
maybe I have grown older and wiser..

Somehow the past does not seem to be so painful anymore..
sadness still lingers, but all is good..
I guess everything is finally looking good..
keeping my fingers cross and hope for the best..

I am not sure if everything will be great from now on..
but I hope it will be..
I will try to be my best once again..
not a declaration..
just a promise to myself..
a hope for myself..

myself..

Who am I?
I am just a regular plain Jane..
nothing fantastic about me..
nothing special about..
just me and myself, my brain, my always thinking mind..
my empty soul..

until 2 years ago..
someone special came into my life..
someone whom I thought was special..
and everything changes..
and 2 years later, everything changes again..
the only thing different this time is, I have become an empty soul..
a useless fucking soul for a whole year plus..
till today, I realized it..
I have been a wandering useless piece of shit..
worthless of nothing..

Now, I decided that I had enough of all these self pity..
self worthless skank..
where no one will care..
not even a friend..
the only one who will truly care, would be myself..
the one who will be living my life, would be only me..
the one who will live my life till the last breath, would be just myself..
if anything to be blamed, I can only fault myself with..
no one else, just myself..
and only me to love myself with..

I can only depend on myself for whatever happens, everything I do..
I have no one else in this world, except for myself..
only I will love myself..
I have only myself to love me..
no one..

13 years ago...part 1..

I have been thinking a lot as usual..
What should I do with my life?
What can I do in my life?
How should I go about in my life?

Thinking way back into the past..

13 years ago..
just a scroll and three..
a fresh young girl who just finished her college..
due to financial problems at home..
she can't afford to go to university like any regular kids around her..
she didn't want to take out a loan for her studies..
she decided to support herself and through her studies..
she started to work..

She started young in this harsh working society..
being herself..
being humble around all her colleagues..
always working to the best that she can do for the people whom she worked for..
with just a goal..
to get herself through the education which she was interested in..
she enrolled into a private school and studied something which she thought that she had interests in..
all the technologies flying around her..
she pursued after it while working hard for the life..
and she was just nineteen years old..
such a tender age..
and she already thought too much about..

A bypasser might think that she is a stupid gal..
she should have just taken the loan and forced herself into the university..
since she has been a Science student throughout her whole school life..
from high school, she was a Science kid..
straight up to college, still a Science student..
never stopped to think whether was she really in fact into Science..
or just for the sake of it..
never stopped to think that her passion was in something else, burning quietly in her blood..

Since young days..
she has been writing, drawing, looking at pictures, beautiful things..
books of poems, short writing filled the pages..
drawings of her friends whom she loved dearly..
pictures of silly things which she drawn in secret..
all these were her darkest secret..
which she never mentioned to anyone..
not a single soul at all..
she is always in awe of writing, drawing and pictures..

the whole time, she has been working and studying for science..
technologies, networks..
and more..

fucking lost..

I have many thoughts in my mind at this point in time..
trying to gather and organize them from A to Z, 1 to 10..
not sure where to start from..
cos I can't see the links for them..
connecting them from one to other..

frustration seeps into the brain..
slowly despair appears at the doorstep knocking on my door of thoughts..
hope doesn't seem to find a path around it..
I am trying to find a way through the whole thing..

Should I just leave things to fate?
should I fight for how the things should go?
should I just let things move by itself?
should I just ignore everything?

Who am I?
What am I?
What are my beliefs?
Why am I shaken?
Why am I so conflicted and confused?
How did me happened?

Ahhhhhh.....
seriously, I am doubting myself..
seems like a drill going through my brain..
draining everything I have and I am, I used to be..
I need a direction..
I need a fucking guide..
I need an aim..
I need a meaning..
I need a life..
I need my life..my meaning..
I need my passion back..
I need my sanity..
I need my fucking crazy thoughts and ways back..
I need myself back..
I need me back..
Where is me?

Damn damn damn..

succurro

Looking back for the past 1 year plus..
I did nothing..practically zero..
nada..in my life..
except, go to work, go home sleep, read anything and everything which interest me..
equals no life..
did not take a single photograph..
did not start to write a single line for my book..
did not read the topics which I am supposed to..
did not think about my life..
did not think about my future..

I did wait to pass this life..
I did wait to die..
I did waste my life..
I did wait to end my wasted life..

Photography used to be my passion..
writing used to be my life..
after that wild stint of love that came into my life and eventually left..
I lost my passion and life..
I am looking for the burning fire in my passion and life..
still searching..
seems to lost it..
and I can't find it..
Help..
I guess..

quidam lost, serio

Lying on my bed, trying to will myself to sleep at 6am after my night shift..
finding myself unable to fall asleep..
wired in the brain, can't seem to sleep..
suddenly, a flash of memory came back to me..
as the pain cuts through my heart and mind..

The night when I broke up with my ex-partner..
the dramatic scene keeps playing in my mind..
the tears that kept flooding the cheeks..
the pain which kept cutting through the heart..
the fear of loss thundering in my brain..
the loss of the true love which I thought I had..
the cuts bore on my skin inflicted in the moments of numbness..
all the worst thoughts and fears came crashing in my mind..
while I was faraway in the foreign land of Hong Kong, after spending 4 hours' of flight..
in the familiar surroundings of our home, which I had spent my 2 years' youth in..
the memories on each surface of the home which we have created..
with all the momentos that we had given each other..
all the sweet plushy kids which we had given each other over the period..
seriously, not even in the homeland of Singapore..
most of all, the fear of losing the one whom I thought I truly loved and loved by..

I guess, I was wrong after all..
The betrayal..
The abandonment..
The loss..
everything happened overnight..
and the death of my grandmother followed straight after..
The pain was too much to cope with..
my brain and heart shut down..
created a wall of barrier around me..
the door closed and locked up, the key was thrown far into the depths of the abyss..

I lived through the days without any hopes or goals..
living the life of a vampire..
zombie..

seriously be damned..
kind of lost, seriously..

a pectus pectoris quod est haud diutius idoneus of sensus..

What use of the heart is where it is incapable of feeling?
What is a heart for?
A heart is made to feel..
When a heart is incapable of feeling..
what more use is this heart..
just waiting for the moment to come..
just waiting for the time to pass..
seeing the wear and tear of all other parts around it..
waiting for it to expel its last breath before it ceases its existence..

This heart is no longer capable of feeling any emotion..
no longer able to feel sad..
no longer able to feel angry..
no longer able to feel pain..
no longer capable of feeling love..

Being able to feel is the strongest emotion of a human being..
everything begins with feeling..
everything form of relationship begins with love..
without it, it is the same as being incapacitated..
without the ability to feel love, it is the same as lifeless..
no feeling, no love..
no more love, no more life..

- M.Y. -
20 July 2009

meus vita est amo moonless nox noctis..

Someone asked me..
tell me one interesting thing about myself..
I thought for a while..
I can't think of anything..
nothing interesting about myself comes to my mind..
pathetic, one might think..
which is true..
however, it does not bother me anymore..

Nothing interesting about myself..
so?
it does not matter anyway..
I am not much of an interesting person to begin with anyway..
I come from dust of this earth..
I return as dust to the earth..
there is nothing I can bring with me to earth..
nothing which I can bring with me in memory..

I have slowly emptied myself of memories..
over the years..
empty as a shell..
nothing which I am worthy of to be in memory to be..
I am nobody's gem anyway..
I am just a nobody..
maybe just an abnormal living being who is just part of this world..
I have never thought my death will be much of a big deal to anybody..
death should be a relief to me..I think..

There is nothing left in this world for me to do anyway..
I am just waiting for my time to come in this world anyway..
living each day as a routine..
maybe letting people around me be happy, by just hanging around..
maybe letting my parents be happy, by just hanging around them..

Pathetic, sad, I am, thinking like this..
guess so..
at least I lived before..
at least I was happy before..
at least I loved before, or I thought so..
so I guess, I should be at least contented with those..
having no meaning left in life to live on for..
maybe I have none to begin with in the first place..
all those I thought I had was just illusions..
nothing is real..

My life is like the black hole..
bleak..
bottomless..
empty..
black..
hollow..
nothing is seemingly possible to fill it at all..

My life is like the moonless night..
very dark..
I am just hiding in one corner..
rocking myself fore and back..
wrapping myself in the black velvet sky..
looking up, seeing nothing..
not even stars..
knowing only the silence of twilight keeping me accompany..
till I become the part of the twilight..
ceasing my existence along with the night..

The greatest fear in life is not death..
it is being not able to fear death..
it is having nothing else to fear for live..
death is easy, it is the meaning of living which is hard..

What is forever when there is nothing to begin with?
What is life when there is nothing to die for?
What is happiness when there is nothing to be sad for anymore?
What is the heart for when there is nothing to be beat for anymore?
What is living for when there is nothing left to fight or die for?

- M.Y. -
18th July 2009

nusquam videor contineo mihi anymore..

What happens when your heart stops feeling..
stops feeling anything at all..
no happy, sad, pain, fear, cruel..
feels no more..
you can call it numb..
yet it beats as norm..
just not being able to feel anything..
no love, no sadness, no pain, no fear..

The heart seems to have grown a layer of shell around..
like a cocoon, hiding itself..
hibernating underground..
behind the thick layer of wall..
creating a barrier around itself..
preventing anything to enter..
locking up everything inside the cellar..
the key to the door is lost..
the auto-locked door expired as time goes by..
growing layers and layers of thick black vines around it..
the sharp thorns on the vines stop anything from touching the most tender part of its center being..
not even the most lethal knife in the world, cannot cut through the jungle to the pure red rose withering in the midst..

The single red rose stops growing, stays pure and withers to its last breath..
the blood stops the circulation towards the heart..
it stays forever at that ice stage..
cold, lonely, still as the icy breeze during the winter..
nothing seems to penetrate or disturb its mundane and monotonous stage..
nothing else seems to matter it anymore..
nothing else seems to touch me anymore..

- M.Y. -
11th July 2009

redono? etiam, sic..

Sometimes I just want to give up..
give up everything..
give up my life..
give up all that I have created in life..
all that I established..
all that I have set up in my life..

cos nothing is worth the effort to..
why have done all these in life?
for what?
for who?
for myself?
no..

for nothing..
cos I do not even have the answer for myself..
I cannot even answer to myself..
what's the use of me living in this world?
what's the point of continuing living?

to be a good daughter to parents and grandparents?
to be a role model to my siblings?
to be a perfect human in the society?
no..
why do I care about all these?
when I do not even know for the fact of who I am..
who is the real me?
what is the real person in me?

it is just like the never-ending song..
the never-ending question that goes on and on like this..
it just goes on and on like this..
it is the never-ending song..
la la la la la la la la la..
so at the end, it is just all craps..fucks..shits..
nothing is right, yet can be wrong when everything all so not right..

30th June 2009
- M. Y. -